Cheese, Jackets, and the Magnetic Zeroes

As I type these words, there is someone outside my dorm whistling the Harry Potter orchestral theme. These words are dedicated to that person, I hope your night out is good.

I fear that I have given up. I think I am forgetting all of my goals, who I set out to become. I had such high expectations. Correction- my life has been a series of me unknowingly setting extremely high expectations, only to be disillusioned. I probably have high expectations for this installment, high expectations for the late night dining hall food I will consume in one hour, high expectations for the time I will go to bed tonight.

And I’ll save you and myself the annoying comparison. I thought Burlington would be this, I thought college would be that. I came expecting exactly the opposite of what has happened to me. I don’t know how to shed my expectations and let whatever will happen happen. I am a control freak in this way. I need to know and to plan and to research. I need to be ahead, always. I’m like that with travel, I’m like that with boys, I’m like that with any life event.

I am starting to like my school and that is terrifying.

I already paid to take the next available SAT and bought the practice book. I already spent hours researching selective-but-not-too-selective transfer schools in cities I would like to explore. I already dreamt about D.C. more than I thought humanly possible.

But I was in Outdoor Gear Exchange today and didn’t hesitate to buy another winter jacket. And I ate so many cheese samples at Cabot that the world started to feel like heaven. And on the way home from the fall play, I sang Man On Fire to myself, happily walking down the lighted path in front of the student center. It’s such a weird feeling to be happy, to want to acclimate to my environment.

I don’t want to tell people this, and for them to say “Good!” or “I knew you would like Burlington.” Because I don’t want them to have known, or for them to think that this is good. I’m scared that this is complacency. That this is me just adjusting again, because I’m good at that. No. I don’t want to settle. I want to be better, and smarter, and never settle.

I can’t tell if it’s more comforting or sad that life isn’t always what you think it will be.

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