I don’t know what I love to do. I don’t know what brings me happiness. I don’t know if I forgot or if all of those things aren’t working anymore.
I know I love to write. I don’t have a lot of time to update this blog, but I have been trying to write a little everyday, updating the book idea I’ve been creating for a few years. But it doesn’t make me smile, it doesn’t destress me, it doesn’t make me feel myself. It’s just another thing that’s blocking me from doing all of the things I need to get done. It’s a distraction. It’s what’s making me fail math and chemistry and every other class. I can’t do it and feel satisfied.
I used to be able to find the joy and positive aspects of little things. I used to just be able to look at the ocean and smile and make that a good day. When I visit the ocean, now that I’m home, I don’t feel anything. My mind is thinking about the test review I’m not doing right now and all the sleep I’m going to not get next week. I can’t even enjoy my friends because I’m too tired and depressed, and I know that at the end of this week I’m going to have to drive four hours to spend three more weeks of failure in the coldest place I have ever been with people I don’t know whatsoever sharing the bathroom with me.
I hate complaining but I’m actually really worried about my health and wellbeing. I do go to the gym and I eat a lot of protein (all I eat are mushrooms, beans, pasta, and the occasional bowl of cereal). I find a little happiness in listening to music and running. But that’s in vain. I just want people to look at me and tell me I’ve lost weight. I’m glad I have that as an outlet, but soon I’m probably not going to want to walk to the gym in five degree weather.
I don’t even like to journal anymore because I don’t know what to write down. My life is only schoolwork and worrying about schoolwork. I’m not doing anything that I’m passionate about. The activist work I do is limited to Facebook and that’s annoying so I stopped doing that. I stopped writing in my one line a day journal because I don’t have fun anymore and I don’t want to feel the shame I would feel if I sat down to write a sentence and I couldn’t think of anything to say worth remembering.
I have stopped feeling emotions. I am only now crying for the first time in one month. I feel like I went to college and completely lost myself and that is disgusting. I’m tired of trying to go to cities and having fun and people telling me to transfer and then going home and doing terribly in academics and knowing that I won’t get in anywhere because I’m not doing anything I care about or anything I’m good at. I really hope no one else feels this way or anyone who is reading this can’t relate. I just needed to write out my thoughts somewhere that felt productive.