I have never mentally recognized that I am working towards a goal. I’ve 100% done it before, like I’ve been working towards my goal of finishing college, of being tanner, of earning money to enjoy my year at school. All of these things I don’t recognize as goals, mostly because I’m not a goal-oriented individual. As I’ve been learning this summer, I am a people-oriented individual, and often my ups and downs with others reflects itself in my life. When I am at a good point, most of my relationships are vibrant and active, and when I am at a bad point, you can assume that I’m having a problem with someone.
And that’s just it- I actually am accomplishing my goal of learning more about myself and my mental illness this summer. It feels so good. I actually said I was going to do something and did it! Usually I just do things and just don’t pay attention to the consequences or don’t read into it. It feels so strange to be writing this positive of a blog post, but it reflects how I feel right now. I actually made a new friend yesterday, and I haven’t made a friendship I feel comfortable in since high school. All of the people I met in college are great, but there is a disconnect somewhere, like I know that we will eventually lose contact in a few year’s time, so what’s the point.
But something I found that was more rewarding to focus on rather than all my shortcomings with forming relationships, is celebrating and growing my current ones. By simply choosing to not focus on the fact that I haven’t made any new friends and make that an issue, I chose that it didn’t need to be. I figured out what kind of people aren’t for me and why, and I thought about how me and my current friends work together and why, and I think that will set the tone for the new year at school and who I will give my time to. I just feel overall smarter in my decision-making. Maybe I’m not sure of my outward appearance and what that should look like, but no one ever is. I have two sides of me that fight each other constantly, and all I know is that I should give them equal attention, no matter how much money that costs (lol).
I think working on my relationships first was an important step since they are so important to me. Now that I have that for the most part sifted out, I can be happy while examining myself because I know I have a strong support system. I have learned that I have a lot of energy and can keep going for long periods of time with little sleep and no caffeine, and I’ve seen that at play during ten hour shifts at my new summer job. I like that about myself. I also learned that maybe I’m not as lazy as I thought I was; I’m just impatient, and when things don’t happen fast enough for me, like cooking, I choose to just make mac and cheese or eat a snack. Practicing patience has been a challenge but I’m working towards it. I also learned that I need a shit-ton of independence, like the most independence one can have, but I can never fully attain that because I’m bad with money and need to rely on someone for financial support (how surprising). So basically I’m really hopeful to get a well-paying job in the future or at least be near some bomb thrift stores as an adult.
Which leads me to the big huge realization: IT IS SO! OKAY! THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE. It’s very okay that most of my friends have plans or timelines or boyfriends that they want to marry but it’s also MORE THAN okay that I don’t! The last thing I need to do is compare myself to someone who is EXTREMELY differently wired than me. I am a unique individual who can choose to plan out her life or not. And I’m not the biggest planner! I have a planner but I only use it for homework and even then sometimes I’m lazy and don’t write it down. So why would I have to have my entire life plan laid out when I can’t bring myself to write down that I have to read a chapter for Spanish II? I find it way more fun this way; at least, I did when I changed my perspective. My life could go so many ways and by my choices and intentions, I can kind of control it.
So through all of this I chose not to spend the summer stressing about my major change, my bad luck with friendships, the friendships I had that were fizzling out, my eventual possible lack of a job that I made up in my head, or the fact I don’t want a boyfriend. I chose to focus on my jobs and going to the beach. Not that hard to focus on, and not that hard to change my mindset to do so. I highly recommend going to therapy and putting a little mental structure in your life. Coming to you live from Ashlawn Farms, I can finally say I have hope for the future and I don’t think I will stop for a while. 🙂