Folding Chair by Regina Spektor

Things that make me feel like myself:

  1. Eating chicken noodle soup with chips and snowflake rolls from Big Y
  2. Wearing a big jacket and scarf and gold hoop earrings
  3. Looking at a Botticelli painting
  4. Taking a midday nap, no alarm set
  5. Screaming Sylvan Esso lyrics while driving over the Q bridge
  6. Going straight to the clearance section in any store
  7. Airhead Extremes
  8. A cup of tea that I drink when it gets cold
  9. Reading a Refinery 29 Money Diary or the Harbor News during every meal
  10. Painting my nails horribly, and painting them the color gold

I think I’m done trying out personalities. Something clicked, and now my mind allows me complete freedom to be myself, free of insecurity or scrutiny.

I have never felt more stable in my life, which is weird because I consider last semester to just be a three-month-long bender. But somewhere in that entire mess of therapy and drinking and questioning my entire life and getting bad grades, I came out the other side with a fresh face. I feel a little like I’ve been reborn. I feel like an older version of my high school self. I realized it while buying jeans from Anthropologie today, and I subsequently read a lot of my blog posts and marveled at how far I’ve come.

I’ve always complained that I don’t have enough friends, and the relationships I do have aren’t strong enough, and now I feel the opposite. I met my literal soulmate working at a cafe over the summer, and then my biggest inspiration at a volunteer farm meeting, and now a sweet little boy at my high school job that I watch movies with, and his wonderful mom who makes me soup. I feel like I hit the jackpot. Wyatt I know you’re reading this and I fucking love you and I would be nowhere without you. I would die for everyone I know literally I just LOVE EVERYONE. Especially Wyatt but also everyone.

The love I feel for life is unreal and unmatched. Everything feels like it’s ~coming together~ which I know is an illusion but it’s fine. I felt this way junior year of high school too! Literally four years ago I felt the same way. I only listened to alt-J and just lived my little crunchy ass kombucha drinking astrology believing life. I am so happy that I love life again… I’m going to get a cute internship and wear dresses and do the most this year I can feel it… my energy has returned everyone.

So here comes those goals I guess… those sweet Spring 2019 semester goals…

  1. Please! Get! Better! Grades!
  2. Write more poetry!
  3. Drink more tea and coffee and meet up with friends and do homework with them and be a person aka get out of bed!
  4. Remember that your second thought is usually the better one; I know this is the antithesis to your life but if you get sad and you immediately think “everyone hates me I am going to just cry for the rest of the day” and then think “no what the hell text someone and go get dinner” after listen to the second thought!!!!!
  5. Save up some $$$ so you can go visit people and do the things
  6. Trust everyone and be content
  7. Do more radio and farm stuff
  8. Film little videos of the day because you love doing that

I am so excited for this semester not to be shitty and to actually enjoy things and the company of others. This might be just a huge jinx but it’s fine because we are going to progress with blind hope into the future. And if all else fails I will just transfer again because why the hell not!

 

 

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