Folding Chair by Regina Spektor

Things that make me feel like myself:

  1. Eating chicken noodle soup with chips and snowflake rolls from Big Y
  2. Wearing a big jacket and scarf and gold hoop earrings
  3. Looking at a Botticelli painting
  4. Taking a midday nap, no alarm set
  5. Screaming Sylvan Esso lyrics while driving over the Q bridge
  6. Going straight to the clearance section in any store
  7. Airhead Extremes
  8. A cup of tea that I drink when it gets cold
  9. Reading a Refinery 29 Money Diary or the Harbor News during every meal
  10. Painting my nails horribly, and painting them the color gold

I think I’m done trying out personalities. Something clicked, and now my mind allows me complete freedom to be myself, free of insecurity or scrutiny.

I have never felt more stable in my life, which is weird because I consider last semester to just be a three-month-long bender. But somewhere in that entire mess of therapy and drinking and questioning my entire life and getting bad grades, I came out the other side with a fresh face. I feel a little like I’ve been reborn. I feel like an older version of my high school self. I realized it while buying jeans from Anthropologie today, and I subsequently read a lot of my blog posts and marveled at how far I’ve come.

I’ve always complained that I don’t have enough friends, and the relationships I do have aren’t strong enough, and now I feel the opposite. I met my literal soulmate working at a cafe over the summer, and then my biggest inspiration at a volunteer farm meeting, and now a sweet little boy at my high school job that I watch movies with, and his wonderful mom who makes me soup. I feel like I hit the jackpot. Wyatt I know you’re reading this and I fucking love you and I would be nowhere without you. I would die for everyone I know literally I just LOVE EVERYONE. Especially Wyatt but also everyone.

The love I feel for life is unreal and unmatched. Everything feels like it’s ~coming together~ which I know is an illusion but it’s fine. I felt this way junior year of high school too! Literally four years ago I felt the same way. I only listened to alt-J and just lived my little crunchy ass kombucha drinking astrology believing life. I am so happy that I love life again… I’m going to get a cute internship and wear dresses and do the most this year I can feel it… my energy has returned everyone.

So here comes those goals I guess… those sweet Spring 2019 semester goals…

  1. Please! Get! Better! Grades!
  2. Write more poetry!
  3. Drink more tea and coffee and meet up with friends and do homework with them and be a person aka get out of bed!
  4. Remember that your second thought is usually the better one; I know this is the antithesis to your life but if you get sad and you immediately think “everyone hates me I am going to just cry for the rest of the day” and then think “no what the hell text someone and go get dinner” after listen to the second thought!!!!!
  5. Save up some $$$ so you can go visit people and do the things
  6. Trust everyone and be content
  7. Do more radio and farm stuff
  8. Film little videos of the day because you love doing that

I am so excited for this semester not to be shitty and to actually enjoy things and the company of others. This might be just a huge jinx but it’s fine because we are going to progress with blind hope into the future. And if all else fails I will just transfer again because why the hell not!



How’s UConn?

The day after I started at UVM I instantly wrote a post about my snap judgements of it, so it wouldn’t be another fresh start if I didn’t sum up the next 2.5 years of my life into the four hours I’ve been awake today.

My roommate’s boyfriend has an XBox in our room. He doesn’t go to UConn or have a job; his sole purpose in life is to live in our room and hang out with his girlfriend. Who the fuck does that? I already have prejudices against dating in college and this just really reaffirms all of them. Aside from the normal roommate qualms, I’m living with an unemployed teenage boy who says “Goodnight” to me when I shut off the light, his fingers clicking away on his controller until God knows when. My favorite part is when they both walked into the room to move in at 10 PM and said “Oh my god I didn’t know I got another roommate!” when I had messaged her on two forms of social media over the last two weeks.

My suitemates have driven out a total of five people so far: the roommate in their room, and four people that have shared a wall and a bathroom with them in my room. I wonder why. Maybe it’s because they came into my room ten minutes after I introduced myself to them and enforced some “house rules.” Maybe it’s because one of them blasted Finesse by Cardi B and Bruno Mars in the shower at 6:48 AM the first day of classes and woke everyone up. Maybe because one of them spits in the shower and leaves it there. Maybe because they turn the TV on really loud when you’re trying to sleep and don’t turn it down when you bang on the wall. Maybe it’s because they lock your door every time they use the bathroom even though there’s stalls, and then when they forget to unlock it they maniacally laugh at you when you bang on the door trying to just brush your teeth. But I’m not sure; I could just be high maintenance!

So my hair looks terrible, I have bags under my eyes, and there’s no water fountain within any close proximity of my room, and I’m going to have to move for the fifth time. So that’s really cool! How am I at UConn? I feel like I’m visiting for the weekend and waking up at 6:25 AM for fun rather than necessity. I’m sitting in McMahon and see three people I know within a fifty-feet radius; one of them from elementary school, one from a leadership conference, and one from a party. I went to an Honors Microeconomics class this morning and didn’t have the heart to leave. I am enrolled in two classes. I am sweating. UConn vibes.

So here I am in purgatory waiting to move out. We’re going to make moves this whole week. Literally. But I go home in three days so that’s nice. I forgot conditioner and a sponge. I just hope that I am not punished any further and my future roommates are a fraction of decent.

Also, if anyone can tell me how to mucus-cough repeatedly in class and not have everyone stare at you or the professor ask if you need to step out that would be much appreciated.