And Now, I Finally Publicly Admit That My Nose Was Too Big For My Face in 2010

As me and all my friends edge closer to 20, I want to properly mourn the last decade of our lives.

I remember turning 10. It was the end of fourth grade, and our class pet, a hermit crab, had died overnight. We were sad. We still had my cupcakes though. It was a Thursday.  I doubt that turning 20 feels as important as 10 did, but still, like I said before, we are all going to be different people because now we’re going to be old.

It’s coincidental that I thought of this article idea the night before Man Repeller posted this article, but maybe it’s not because I’m convinced that blog/Leandra Medine is a vision I had in an astral projection I construed a long time ago.

But yeah! This is basically just an ode, but also a calling to full-on revive, every aspect of yourself that you have feared yet simultaneously loved over the past ten years. I think it will be fun.

Like, will you bring back the overnight braid, also known the cheap (wo)man’s crimper? The ones that were supposed to come out like this but ended up looking like an even greasier version of this? Or maybe it will be long layers with a hint of ~scene~ bangs, as seen in 2009 from Shailene Woodley? Or will it be something more recent, like shitty multicolored ombre or, my favorite, dying your hair with Kool-Aid? Was that just me? Possibly.

I also want to bring back aspects of culture SO bad. I miss soft-grunge so much. I miss the upside-down crosses complete with light Satanic undertones, those #teenagerposts on tumblr (which, I have a theory on why those were so popular- that we were just all discovering the commonality of the human experience in an incredibly obnoxious way, complete with poor font choices), and Take Care (Deluxe Album Version) by Drake, which I never really stopped listening to in the first place? Or maybe it will be a bit more ~advanced~, a little more mid-2010s, and you bring back Arctic Monkeys lyrics juxtaposed against pictures with horrible lighting, trying to own every LUSH product in the entire universe, maybe even a little Squaready on your Instagram? Ah, the simpler days, when people used to edit their photos AFTER putting it in Squaready and gave me chronic headaches.

It’s easy to erase all of the horrible times of being a teenager and remember the highlight reel, but I also think it wouldn’t be honoring our past selves without reflecting on all the depressing things that we thought made our lives so mundane. Mine was sitting in the library across from my high school for hours until my mom picked me up. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. It was also when the lock was stolen on my locker twice the first month of freshman year, or maybe asking my friend to ask a guy to hook up with me at a birthday party the summer before 8th grade and getting curved and realizing I did it only because of peer pressure. Or maybe it was my entire love life and my gross choices! I don’t know. Pick your favorite mistake and laugh but also be thankful that now all you have to worry about is whether you want to get married or something and paying taxes. I think that’s better than accidentally shaving your eyebrow off because someone told you you had a unibrow in Spanish class.

On a lighter note, think of that pesty body part you’ve finally grown into. Mine is my nose. It was always so big. In seventh grade a kid told me it was too big for my face and I started crying. My mom told me it wasn’t true. But guess what? I look back on old photos, and it was too goddamn big for my face. Now it’s perfect! And has way more blackheads. But such is life.

Shout out to the past ten years for formulating all of us, you were brutal but necessary. Maybe none of us will tear our ACL, get hives from shaving our upper lip, or get tempura paint from art class on our new shoes in the next ten years, but I bet it will be just as messy and ugly. But in a good way, of course. We know more now. We know we’re gluten intolerant, allergic to strawberries, or dyslexic now; we know that we would maybe hate to live in Florida, or statistics is the bane of our existence, and we might always sleep late on the weekends even when we want to get shit done. I think it’s cool that we know ourselves more now. But things were cool when you didn’t know. Your old self is really funny and interesting (in a good way), no matter what you think, because she was trying. And you even have stuff in common, I bet. I still listen to Frank Ocean when I’m depressed just like I did in 2012, and I still eat pizza upside down like I did in 2005, and I can’t let go of my side part I got in 2011.

Here’s a photo of me liking coffee just to prove that I hate coffee now and ~people evolve within the confines of their projected personality~, also wearing neon orange lipstick to prove that we all make mistakes…

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A Justification for Dressing Like Shit

“For the next thirty years or so I will be collecting material… If anyone asks me what I work at, I shall say ‘Collecting material.’ No one can object to that.”

This quote from Stella Gibbons surfaced on my Tumblr feed earlier this year. I saw it and instantly reblogged it because I felt really connected to it. I had no idea the context of the quote, who Stella Gibbons is, or why I held a strong connection to it. Now I can see that it was just fuel for my creative procrastination.

I read a lot. I always have, because it’s one of my favorite things to do and brings me joy and makes me think. But I think I am thinking too much using other people’s thoughts. And that’s why I’m having this identity crisis.

As my roommate so graciously reminded me, every young girl is experiencing this phenomenon. I see it in the fake-deep comments posted on all the blogs I read; empty, flowery sentiments that young girls use to try to convey their wrapping their head around other people’s realities that mirror our own. We are all having an identity crisis. Or, at least people like me are having it. I’m not sure what the common thread is between me and other girls who think way too much other than the fact we think way too much.

And when I used to think too much and create, it was fine. There was an outlet for those thoughts and I could feel proud of whatever song or Polly Pocket world I came up with. I could see the physical manifestation of my thoughts and that was really important. Now that I am thinking more than ever, I have way less time to put any of those thoughts into outlets. But I think that it’s really important to have these outlets and make time for them, because they are essential to sanity.

I used to think making playlists, watching youtube videos, and delving into a good book or blog post would suffice in my quest to find an outlet for my thoughts. This is a flawed way of thinking. The whole part of creating is actually using your own brain and words to get out a message. I don’t think I’ll ever stop doing anything I mentioned above but I need to stop using other people’s creativity to guise the lack of my own. I need to write more blog posts, journal entries, and responses to other people’s thoughts. I need to generate my own original opinions. I need to paint and draw and not try to make it like anyone else’s.

I will say one thing I need to keep doing is wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts every day because it makes me feel most myself: I am not confined to a personality when I am wearing navy on black and covered in college paraphernalia. I am also really comfortable but that’s not relevant here. But I think taking a break from wearing real clothes and just focusing on my mind and what’s going on in there has been helpful in easing my anxiety.

So fuck collecting material! I’m making my own material.