How’s UConn?

The day after I started at UVM I instantly wrote a post about my snap judgements of it, so it wouldn’t be another fresh start if I didn’t sum up the next 2.5 years of my life into the four hours I’ve been awake today.

My roommate’s boyfriend has an XBox in our room. He doesn’t go to UConn or have a job; his sole purpose in life is to live in our room and hang out with his girlfriend. Who the fuck does that? I already have prejudices against dating in college and this just really reaffirms all of them. Aside from the normal roommate qualms, I’m living with an unemployed teenage boy who says “Goodnight” to me when I shut off the light, his fingers clicking away on his controller until God knows when. My favorite part is when they both walked into the room to move in at 10 PM and said “Oh my god I didn’t know I got another roommate!” when I had messaged her on two forms of social media over the last two weeks.

My suitemates have driven out a total of five people so far: the roommate in their room, and four people that have shared a wall and a bathroom with them in my room. I wonder why. Maybe it’s because they came into my room ten minutes after I introduced myself to them and enforced some “house rules.” Maybe it’s because one of them blasted Finesse by Cardi B and Bruno Mars in the shower at 6:48 AM the first day of classes and woke everyone up. Maybe because one of them spits in the shower and leaves it there. Maybe because they turn the TV on really loud when you’re trying to sleep and don’t turn it down when you bang on the wall. Maybe it’s because they lock your door every time they use the bathroom even though there’s stalls, and then when they forget to unlock it they maniacally laugh at you when you bang on the door trying to just brush your teeth. But I’m not sure; I could just be high maintenance!

So my hair looks terrible, I have bags under my eyes, and there’s no water fountain within any close proximity of my room, and I’m going to have to move for the fifth time. So that’s really cool! How am I at UConn? I feel like I’m visiting for the weekend and waking up at 6:25 AM for fun rather than necessity. I’m sitting in McMahon and see three people I know within a fifty-feet radius; one of them from elementary school, one from a leadership conference, and one from a party. I went to an Honors Microeconomics class this morning and didn’t have the heart to leave. I am enrolled in two classes. I am sweating. UConn vibes.

So here I am in purgatory waiting to move out. We’re going to make moves this whole week. Literally. But I go home in three days so that’s nice. I forgot conditioner and a sponge. I just hope that I am not punished any further and my future roommates are a fraction of decent.

Also, if anyone can tell me how to mucus-cough repeatedly in class and not have everyone stare at you or the professor ask if you need to step out that would be much appreciated.

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Eat more Annie’s mac and cheese, people

I had a very typical New Year’s Day: I woke up crying because I was insanely depressed, all I wanted was a bagel but my dad wouldn’t let me leave the house, so I grudgingly ate a hot dog instead and slept for the entire day.

Since my day was completely shit for the first few hours, I decided to just say fuck it and text all my friends from school that I was transferring to UConn because why not make everything worse? Then I changed my school on my Facebook about page to UConn. Then I listened to Lana Del Rey and cried more and fell asleep for the entire afternoon.

I woke up to a lot of well wishes and a lot of people that were sad that I was leaving. I seriously thought no one would care. Even the girl I was supposed to room with this year that completely avoided me the whole summer because she was transferring and didn’t bother to tell me liked my post. It’s kind of nice. I feel like I’m actually leaving something behind that is worth missing.

The senior in my Spanish class first semester freshman year even texted me. As soon as I saw her name pop up onto my phone I was so excited. She had transferred to UVM from University of Maryland for her sophomore year because as much as she didn’t mind Maryland and made a few friends, she didn’t feel herself there. She’s graduated now and lives her best life hopping from European country to European country and wearing cool scarves. It gives me hope.

I have no idea where my life is going to take me. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable or happy or consistent, but I really hope I do. I hope I ride more planes and eat more boxes of mac and cheese and smile at strangers walking down the street. I hope I walk into Walgreens and have conversations with the employees about their days because they actually do care about stuff like that. I hope that three years from now I’d have gone on a life changing trip to somewhere I’d love to live one day. I hope I show up to my five year high school reunion really overdressed and get drunk off of half a glass of wine.

Maybe it’s my fault, but everything in my life feels really unstable right now. All of my relationships with people seem really hopeless and I know that it’s just my negative, small thinking but someday soon I’ll get the bigger picture. I don’t know what to expect from anyone or anything. Absence of expectations scares the shit out of me because I always have expectations. I had expectations for New Years Eve that fell short. I ended up looking weird not wearing a bra with my dress, my makeup looked terrible because my cheeks were flushed, and I cried more often than I intended to.

A lot of times I say things that I know are overly dramatic or send texts knowing people won’t respond or care. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I over complicate my life. I don’t know why I constantly cry over dumb things like not being able to get a Cohen’s bagel. I don’t know why I can’t just reassure myself that everything will be okay. That not everyone loves me. That sometimes I’m just too much for people. And it’s fine.

I hope in 2018 I can stop living in my head. It seems like I don’t because I’m social and always wanting to be doing something, but so much goes on inside my head that I don’t ever talk about. Mostly because it’s hard to talk about this stuff, because a lot of people I know wouldn’t get it. But I do know people that would get it. I hope I feel endlessly inspired regardless of how uninspiring I think the world is.

I knew 2017 would be hard and it was and now it’s over. I can’t put a word to how 2018 is going to be but it is going to be just that. A lot of warmth. A lot of becoming an adult. A lot of doing what I’ve been wanting to do for a long time.

And I’m also going to pretend that January 1st doesn’t count. If today is any indication as to what 2018 will be like, it will just be filled with chocolate and sleeping in the middle of the day and eating pasta. Well maybe that isn’t so bad.

2018 Resolutions

  1. Maina, you have a 0.0 GPA right now. Please do not screw that up. Get over a 3.0 please.
  2. Spend money on your passions. Buy more paint, buy more used books, buy more pens when you run out of the ones you use for your journal. Buy more film cameras.
  3. You are already aware that you are special and beautiful and amazing, so stop trying to prove it to everyone else because they should already know.
  4. Make more mixtapes for your friends, and let them know you’re thinking of them often.
  5. Finally find some peace with your body. Go to the gym with Riley. At first you’re going to look dumb and fat but eventually you won’t.
  6. Improve the blog. Buy a domain name. Post bi-weekly. Whenever you’re thinking about boys or watching pointless youtube videos stop doing that and write a post.
  7. Make friends. Go up to random people and say hello. Pretend UConn is your senior year of high school. You run the place. Give people gum and compliment their shoes.