Things that make me feel like myself:
- Eating chicken noodle soup with chips and snowflake rolls from Big Y
- Wearing a big jacket and scarf and gold hoop earrings
- Looking at a Botticelli painting
- Taking a midday nap, no alarm set
- Screaming Sylvan Esso lyrics while driving over the Q bridge
- Going straight to the clearance section in any store
- Airhead Extremes
- A cup of tea that I drink when it gets cold
- Reading a Refinery 29 Money Diary or the Harbor News during every meal
- Painting my nails horribly, and painting them the color gold
I think I’m done trying out personalities. Something clicked, and now my mind allows me complete freedom to be myself, free of insecurity or scrutiny.
I have never felt more stable in my life, which is weird because I consider last semester to just be a three-month-long bender. But somewhere in that entire mess of therapy and drinking and questioning my entire life and getting bad grades, I came out the other side with a fresh face. I feel a little like I’ve been reborn. I feel like an older version of my high school self. I realized it while buying jeans from Anthropologie today, and I subsequently read a lot of my blog posts and marveled at how far I’ve come.
I’ve always complained that I don’t have enough friends, and the relationships I do have aren’t strong enough, and now I feel the opposite. I met my literal soulmate working at a cafe over the summer, and then my biggest inspiration at a volunteer farm meeting, and now a sweet little boy at my high school job that I watch movies with, and his wonderful mom who makes me soup. I feel like I hit the jackpot. Wyatt I know you’re reading this and I fucking love you and I would be nowhere without you. I would die for everyone I know literally I just LOVE EVERYONE. Especially Wyatt but also everyone.
The love I feel for life is unreal and unmatched. Everything feels like it’s ~coming together~ which I know is an illusion but it’s fine. I felt this way junior year of high school too! Literally four years ago I felt the same way. I only listened to alt-J and just lived my little crunchy ass kombucha drinking astrology believing life. I am so happy that I love life again… I’m going to get a cute internship and wear dresses and do the most this year I can feel it… my energy has returned everyone.
So here comes those goals I guess… those sweet Spring 2019 semester goals…
- Please! Get! Better! Grades!
- Write more poetry!
- Drink more tea and coffee and meet up with friends and do homework with them and be a person aka get out of bed!
- Remember that your second thought is usually the better one; I know this is the antithesis to your life but if you get sad and you immediately think “everyone hates me I am going to just cry for the rest of the day” and then think “no what the hell text someone and go get dinner” after listen to the second thought!!!!!
- Save up some $$$ so you can go visit people and do the things
- Trust everyone and be content
- Do more radio and farm stuff
- Film little videos of the day because you love doing that
I am so excited for this semester not to be shitty and to actually enjoy things and the company of others. This might be just a huge jinx but it’s fine because we are going to progress with blind hope into the future. And if all else fails I will just transfer again because why the hell not!